Going insane

I woke up this morning feeling productive. Then I got some work done and as I headed out to work, I heard noises coming out from next door. Bed squeaking and a woman panting... okay, everybody should get it by now that those are noises made when people are having sex. Anyway, I just thought.. wow.. and I left home asap.

I managed to finished another chore before I finally got to work. I was feeling superb. One, because I'm off tomorrow and two, because I was almost done with the work my boss asked me to do. Even though I was in a good mood, there was someone (I hate her so much, let's call her the Witch) with a sour face greeting me with a nod. It was fine.. I got to my office and finished my work at noon. My boss seemed please and so was I. So.. everything was fine.. until it was about 5 pm. Things went downhill after that. I had to deal with the Witch.. who was supported by this Jerk (another guy I hate) and both of them made my life MISERABLE. I can't stand working with both of them anymore.

I wish I don't need to talk to them ever again in my life.. coz I hate them so...... and I don't wanna see them ever again. They have turned my mood to such gloom.. I can't even stand it. ARGGGGHHHHHH...!! I wish I have a roof I could climb up to and yell the heck out of my lung. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them sooooooooo muchhhhhhhhh.

I will look for another job. I will look for another job and get the hell out of there.

messy entry

Today is a weird day. My morning started out bad. I have been trying to register something online and the site was down for several days. This morning, the site was finally up.. but the registration was already closed. That, being the first thing I experienced right after I got up, had already put a bad taste on my day. What a way to start my Tuesday.. with a bad luck first thing in the morning.

So I drove to my meeting and guess what I ran into as I walked towards the building? a ladder, blocking my way. All I need was a black cat standing next to it. Anyway, of course I walked around the ladder and safely got to my meeting.

During the meeting, I got to socialize with people from different businesses do some networking. I just notice that I like to observe people more than I aware. I pay attention to their clothes, their hair-dos, to their bags/whatever electronic accessories they have on. It was amazing.

There was this pretty girl, kinda chubby, but she has a very pretty face and lovely personality. She dressed great (very feminine, considering all other business women were wearing pants). She wore high heels and as I observed her shoes, I noticed she had blisters above her heels where edge of the shoes usually rubs against your skin (causes friction and later blisters). And I thought.. poor women.. why do we want to suffer wearing all these fashion/beauty product just to look good and pretty?? why???

I myself cannot stand wearing high heel shoes (trust me, I'd have worn it since a long time ago if only I could find a plethora amount for my size - 5). I'm not used to it and so far have only worn platform sandals (my fav) to help disguise my petiteness. I prefer to wear a simple flat sole shoes for offices. Yeah.. please don't try to picture it coz it isn't anything fancy or pretty.

Anyway.. I guess I just don't understand girls.. I was reading fashion magazine and it made me want to transform myself so badly. After I finish, I feel like I need a whole new wardrobe, a new set of make-ups (not that I use mine so often), and a gazillion of other cosmetic enhancement product. All and all, all I try to improve is my outer appearance. So what if I meet a guy (result of my hard work in cosmetic dept) and then later he finds out.. ohh.. this girl looks like this without a make up... what will he think/do? Am I in some way tricking people with my outer appearance..?

Ok.. I notice I have been rambling on and on without any purpose.. I mean.. my blog entry has gone astray.. I don't even remember what I was gonna talk about.. lol.. I guess it is a sign for me to go to sleep..

Sad

I was so sad yesterday and I'm actually still sad today. I was playing wii and I went to mii parade/plaza or something like that. It's a place where other people's wii are able to travel to your wii. It was cute. I had added his wii number on my address so I was able to see his miis traveling into mine. I saw a mii with my nick.. and it made me smile, coz he's creating a miniature of me!! Then I saw another mii with his ex's name.. and it made me feel so bad.

So I'm still very sad right now. How come I always got involved with a guy who is somewhat involved with another girl? The same thing happened with my ex..

Taste of Love

This is going to sound so mushy. But have you ever tasted food that is full of love? It tastes so good.. even though the food itself doesn't have much taste.. it makes you want to eat them all.

Isn't it so touching? It all resulted from my phone conversations. Whenever he asked me what did you have for lunch/dinner, I always said _ _ _ (insert: snack/instant noodle/fast food/other junk food). And because of that, this weekend, he went through all the troubles to cook for me. Honestly, the food itself is rather bland.. but when I eat it, I could feel love pouring into my mouth, and all these fuzzy and warm feelings making me so happy and the food, undoubtedly delicious.

Ahh.. what can I say. I think I can make people envy just by describing it. oh..hohoho..

I maybe delusional, but I'm going to be happy whenever I eat my meal.. for at least a week.. (yeah, that's how much the food he cooked will last)

Oh boy..

Boring Weekend

What a boring Saturday..

Hmm.. it is so easy when someone tells you not to think of him/her. I was told not to think too much of someone when he's not around. Yeah, if only it is as easy as that. I don't know what is wrong with me. I do have some friends that I'm sure would be happy to hang out with me if I ask them, but I just don't feel like it. I prefer to hang out with a certain someone who isn't even here. But it's always fun to hang around him. Maybe we're too alike. Sometimes we argue so much I wonder why I still hang out with him. But when he's not here.. it just doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel good.

I have something important that I have to finish doing this weekend.. yet my will to do it is at a bottomless pit.

Anyway.. reading my post makes me even more miserable.. totally depressing.

Lifeless doll

I live my life like a lifeless doll. People come and play with me and put me away when they are done. Sleeping inside the toy box I wait and wait. Waiting for the next person to come and bring some life into me. I'm what they want me to be. Without them, I'm just a lifeless doll.

I finished watching jdrama Love Story. I feel like my life is so similar to the heroine. The difference is that I don't have any talents and in the end, I'm still by myself. I like Toyokawa Etsushi a lot. I have liked him since I watched him in Aishiteru to Itte Kure. He's not the handsome baby face kind of actor. But I like his acting a lot (or maybe the way he played his roles or the roles themselves. who knows).

My weekend is sweet and sour. My tug of war relationship has bring me nowhere. He visited me for a couple of days. Despite the wars we had had on the phones, it was fine when we actually met. A little bit of this and that, and I fell back into his trap. I hate it so much. I had wanted to end things so many times with him. But whenever we met, my plans went out the window. Now that he's gone again, the same old thing repeats itself. We were talking about going to New Orleans for Labor Day but when I talked to him on the phone today, he said the plan was not definite yet. I got so tired of it I didn't even ask why, I just said okay and again, my time spent looking for hotels has gone to waste.

I wanna go somewhere for Labor day. I want to find someone else to go with me on vacation. But I don't have any guts. I'm a coward.

frustration

The reason I created this blog is because of the frustration I feel. I have been so frustrated. Feeling so lost in my life. I wish there were a manual for living one's life. That there could be no "wrong" decision. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. Of course, nobody cares. And nobody would want to listen to me whine. That is why I start this blog. I wish I could be honest to myself for once. Through this blog, I wish to say the truth, of how I feel, and face it head on. I'm tired of lying to myself, pretending everything is okay.

Through this blog, I wish to see my true self.