Lifeless doll

I live my life like a lifeless doll. People come and play with me and put me away when they are done. Sleeping inside the toy box I wait and wait. Waiting for the next person to come and bring some life into me. I'm what they want me to be. Without them, I'm just a lifeless doll.

I finished watching jdrama Love Story. I feel like my life is so similar to the heroine. The difference is that I don't have any talents and in the end, I'm still by myself. I like Toyokawa Etsushi a lot. I have liked him since I watched him in Aishiteru to Itte Kure. He's not the handsome baby face kind of actor. But I like his acting a lot (or maybe the way he played his roles or the roles themselves. who knows).

My weekend is sweet and sour. My tug of war relationship has bring me nowhere. He visited me for a couple of days. Despite the wars we had had on the phones, it was fine when we actually met. A little bit of this and that, and I fell back into his trap. I hate it so much. I had wanted to end things so many times with him. But whenever we met, my plans went out the window. Now that he's gone again, the same old thing repeats itself. We were talking about going to New Orleans for Labor Day but when I talked to him on the phone today, he said the plan was not definite yet. I got so tired of it I didn't even ask why, I just said okay and again, my time spent looking for hotels has gone to waste.

I wanna go somewhere for Labor day. I want to find someone else to go with me on vacation. But I don't have any guts. I'm a coward.

frustration

The reason I created this blog is because of the frustration I feel. I have been so frustrated. Feeling so lost in my life. I wish there were a manual for living one's life. That there could be no "wrong" decision. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. Of course, nobody cares. And nobody would want to listen to me whine. That is why I start this blog. I wish I could be honest to myself for once. Through this blog, I wish to say the truth, of how I feel, and face it head on. I'm tired of lying to myself, pretending everything is okay.

Through this blog, I wish to see my true self.